If Noah Had to Build the Ark in 2006
proposed: 22 Sep 2006
If Noah had to build the ark in 2006,
his story may have gone something like
this: The leisure party manifesto. A specter is haunting the world - the specter of leisure. All the great powers have conspired against it: Popes and presidents, bankers and unionists, hamburger chains and environmentalists. But, [...]
And the Lord spoke to
Noah and said, "In one year, I am going
to make it rain, and the rain shall not
stop until it submerges the entire earth
and all living flesh is destroyed.
Because of this, I want you to save the
righteous people and two of every living
species on earth. Therefore, I am
commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God
delivered the specifications for an Ark.
Daunted by this task, but respectful of
God's wishes, Noah took the plans and
agreed to build the Ark.
said the Lord, "you must complete and
fill the Ark in one year's time."
Exactly one year later, fierce storm
clouds covered the earth and all the
seas of the earth went into turmoil. The
Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his
front yard weeping.
shouted. "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me, " cried
Noah. "I did my best, but there were big
"First I had to get a
permit for construction, and your plans
did not meet the building codes. I had
to hire an engineering firm and redraw
"Then I got into a
fight with OSHA over whether or not the
Ark needed a sprinkler system and
approved floatation devices.
"Then my neighbor objected, claiming
I was violating zoning ordinances by
building the Ark in my front yard, so I
had to get a variance from the city
had problems getting enough wood for the
Ark because there was a ban on cutting
trees to protect the Spotted Owl.
finally convinced the U.S. Forest
Service that I really needed the wood to
save the owls. However, the Fish and
Wildlife Service won't let me take the
formed a union and went on strike. I had
to negotiate a settlement with the
National Labor Relations Board before
anyone would pick up a saw or hammer.
Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark but
still no owls.
"When I started
rounding up the other animals, an animal
rights group sued me. They objected to
me taking only two of each kind aboard.
This suit is pending.
"Meanwhile, the EPA notified me that
I could not complete the Ark without
filing an environmental impact statement
on your proposed flood. They didn't take
very kindly to the idea.
the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a
map of the proposed flood plain. I sent
them a globe.
"Right now, I am
trying to resolve a complaint filed by
the Equal Employment Opportunity
Commission that I am practicing
discrimination by not taking atheists
"The IRS has seized my
assets, claiming that I'm building the
Ark in preparation to flee the country
to avoid paying the state some kind of
user tax that I owe them and that I
failed to register the Ark as a
'recreational water craft.'
"And finally, the ACLU got the
courts to issue an injunction against
further construction of the Ark, saying
that since God is flooding the Earth,
it's a religious event, and therefore
don't think I can finish the Ark for
another five or six years."
The sky began
to clear, the sun began to shine, and
the seas began to calm. A rainbow arced
across the sky.
Noah looked up
hopefully. "You mean you're not going to
destroy the earth, Lord?"
He said sadly. "I don't have to. The
government already has."
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