If Noah Had to Build the Ark in 2006

Article from category: Texte in Engleza English

proposed: 22 Sep 2006
source: Email

If Noah had to build the ark in 2006, his story may have gone something like this:

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain, and the rain shall not stop until it submerges the entire earth and all living flesh is destroyed. Because of this, I want you to save the righteous people and two of every living species on earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."

In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. Daunted by this task, but respectful of God's wishes, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
"Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete and fill the Ark in one year's time."

Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into turmoil. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping.

"Noah!" He shouted. "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me, " cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems.

"First I had to get a permit for construction, and your plans did not meet the building codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.

"Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a sprinkler system and approved floatation devices.

"Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

"Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl.
I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I really needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me take the two owls.

"The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark but still no owls.

"When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal rights group sued me. They objected to me taking only two of each kind aboard. This suit is pending.

"Meanwhile, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea.

"Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe.

"Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed by the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking atheists aboard.

"The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying the state some kind of user tax that I owe them and that I failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft.'

"And finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the Earth, it's a religious event, and therefore unconstitutional.

"I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years."

Noah waited.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arced across the sky.

Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"

"No," He said sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."

The leisure party manifesto. A specter is haunting the world - the specter of leisure. All the great powers have conspired against it: Popes and presidents, bankers and unionists, hamburger chains and environmentalists. But, [...]
previous article
DARWIN AWARDS NEWSLETTER - October 2005. Copyright 2006 DarwinAwards.com Forward this newsletter to friends! The Darwin Awards salute the improvement of the human genome by honoring those who, uh, remove themselves from [...]
next article

DARWIN AWARDS NEWSLETTER - October 2005

Texte in Engleza English : : Monday, 16 Oct 2006

If Noah Had to Build the Ark in 2006

Texte in Engleza English : : Friday, 22 Sep 2006

Red Skelton recipe for the perfect
marriage Red Skelton recipe for the perfect marriage

Texte in Engleza English : : Wednesday, 2 Aug 2006

What goes around comes around

Texte in Engleza English : : Wednesday, 28 Dec 2005

PARENT - Job Description

Texte in Engleza English : : Thursday, 24 May 2007

Closer

Texte in Engleza English : : Saturday, 8 Apr 2006

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer: Lyrics Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer: Lyrics

Texte in Engleza English : : Wednesday, 22 Dec 2010

You can't keep a good South African down!

Texte in Engleza English : : Tuesday, 27 Nov 2007

Versuri originale: Szomorú Vasárnap (Gloomy Sunday)

Texte in Engleza English : : Saturday, 26 Sep 2009

Men's Thesaurus

Texte in Engleza English : : Wednesday, 28 Feb 2007

Why should you check your children's
homework Why should you check your children's homework

Texte in Engleza English : : Wednesday, 28 Jan 2009

WHAT TREE DID YOU FALL FROM?

Texte in Engleza English : : Monday, 28 Nov 2005

Best OUT OF OFFICE email auto-replies

Texte in Engleza English : : Friday, 27 Jan 2012

What NOT To Give Her For Valentines Day

Texte in Engleza English : : Wednesday, 13 Feb 2008

Mother of the Year Mother of the Year

Texte in Engleza English : : Friday, 3 Nov 2006